DRAPE A TITTY: Requiem for an A Cup
Perhaps no other performers embodied the 1990’s as fully as TLC. T-Boz, Chilli, and Left Eye started off the decade encouraging us to practice safe sex by wearing neon condoms and ended it with a concept album about dirty email. Conspicuously relevant content aside, they also gave us some of the decades most sensational celebrity news. (Yes, you can sell 10 million records and go bankrupt. Turn on Channel 5, Lisa done burned the house down! Chilli’s hair — Real, or really good weave?!) And, of course, they were super hot in a very 90’s matte sort of way. From their artfully gelled baby hairs to their peek-a-boo lady boxers, they consistently served a distinctive smoky eyed urban sexy. Essential to that 90’s sexy, I believe, is a small cup size.
Like Gwen Stefani, TLC derived a large part of its appeal from a glam tomboy persona. Popular girls liked them just because they were on MTV, clearly. However that still left boys and the newly identified “alternative girl (grrl?)” demographic. Making these women just as tough (albeit in a cartoony sort of way) made them appealing to young men. Remember that scene from Batman Returns, where Michael Keaton tells Michelle Pfeifer that he doesn’t know whether he wants to hit or kiss her? Yeah, like that.) And alterna-girls liked these tomboy figures because they weren’t Debbie Gibson. (Basically, the 1990’s was a collective embarrassment of the last decade, mixed with JC Penney and Caldor rediscovering earthtones.)
Coming out of Tawny Kitaen 80’s, the only the things more inflated than yuppie’s egos were their girlfriend’s boobs. Boobs, titties, knockers — Skinamax and Elvira made large breasts status quo in the go go 80’s. The result/pinnacle of this was the creation of The Pamela Anderson. TLC, or TittieLess Crew as we 4th grade boys referred to them, were the anti-Pam. They were urban (not Baywatch beachy), R&B (not pop) and brunettes (not blondes.) A Winona Ryder A cup was as iconoclastically ”alternative” in the 90’s as any Nirvana video. A small boob was a grunge boob.
It’s no coincidence that our pop culture boobs got bigger as we entered the neo-Reagan early 2000’s. As our country got more NASCAR, sadly so did our pop stars. We wound up with Jessica Simpson in mom jeans and promise rings and widespread xenophobia and it sucked for like, a decade.
I miss my little boobed pop stars. A lot. As much as I like Beyonce, I miss the R&B pixie fun of TLC or the devilish little girl grin of a young Kate Moss (queen of the little 90’s boob.) Hopefully Lady Gaga’s real-woman-as-tranny shtick will take us to a world where the only thing drag race defining pop culture is RuPaul’s.
